Look! Look how brave they are. It's fun to see these little harbingers of joy and hope and spring.
We're melting slowly around here. There are still patches of snow, but more and more ground is showing beneath it.
I wish I was as eager to embrace the next season in my life.
The siding is up on the addition, and from the outside it looks like part of the house. They've done a great job matching it to the rest of our house.
Inside it's quite a different picture. This is one of my kitchen windows, and it used to look out at the woods. Now it looks into this.
As the addition nears completion, I'm having to confront the fact that my view of the future has changed just as dramatically as my view out my window. It won't be long until we move my mom into these rooms. She doesn't know it yet, but it has to happen.I am trying to be brave, like the crocuses. I know it's all for the best. I know it has to happen. I know it's right and proper. I know it will be easier in the long run having my mom living here with us. I'll be able to more closely monitor her activities and her meals, and she'll have company around the clock. As her condition deteriorates, she's going to need hands-on care.
It just seems scary, too, a little, if I'm honest. As often as I tell myself that it's the right move, I find myself asking God if He's sure I'm the right person for the job.
I'm not a patient, compassionate person. I am not a good nurse. It's not in my nature to overlook irritations. I am selfish with my time. I tend to argue more than concede. I like to be in control. I don't like change.
My hubby says that I am going through this precisely to have those characteristics chiseled away. I say I don't want to be chiseled.
Which brings me face to face with the most uncomfortable realization of all -- I am not surrendering to the Master Sculptor. I know that I need to be saying, "Here I am -- I offer myself to You. Mold me, shape me, refine me, make me more like You."
I know that there should be this sense of welcoming what's coming, knowing that I will have the opportunity to lean on Him, depend on Him to get me through the trying times. I know He'll give me the grace and strength I need. But I am not a good leaner. I don't want to lean.
So to say that I'm all conflicted inside would probably be a ginormous understatement.
3 comments:
I think the best thing about it is that you're honest. Jim's right, God will chisel you. But what I love about you, Ruthie, is that you are honest and real. You don't pretend to be someone you're not, and I love the someone that you are. I'll be praying for you as you enter your new season. And I think you'll be better at it than you think you will.
I think you'll be better at it than you think you will, too. And don't be so hard on yourself-- weren't we just saying the other day that there's almost always a flip side to the "annoying" characteristics-- that in certain circumstances they can be beneficial for different reasons? You might see yourself as resistant to change, for example, but in some ways that's good b/c it means you're not impetuous and flighty.
But I know it's hard...
Oh, I love how the crocuses are ministering to your spirit! God is good. And guess what? You won a book over at my site! Please come tell me which one you want and your address: lindacrowatcomcast.net
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